Invasion of Witchcraft and Wizardry
by HamhaPHKFan
Summary: Zim's DNA falsely identifies him as a wizard. Any chance to get away from the Dib-worm is a chance he'll take, but the Dib find's the alien missing and his searches bring him to England...
1. Dib Is Such A Stalker

In town with no name, there is a little green house with a red roof. It has four windows, with three on its front and one on the back; each the same bright hue as the roof. Its door is blue with a white 'Men's Room' sign close to the top, and a small lamp over it lights the sidewalk. The lawn is generally clean; if you do not count the many pieces of trash others carelessly throw to the ground. Abnormally large gnomes rest on top of its soil.

No one knew how an odd house like that ended up on a street where each building is the same as the next, almost like clones, and frankly; no one cared. Either that or they were to busy to notice.

The one thing they did notice, however, is the big headed, black cloaked, black haired child with large glasses hiding in some bushes in front of said house. The boy held a camera in one hand, and a pair of binoculars in the other. He held the binoculars to his face and peered into the house's window; the one to the left.

"Now, let's see what our little alien friend is up to today, hm?" He said, quickly lowering the binoculars and following that up with: "'Our' being 'My'... And 'Let's' being... 'Let me'... Geh, I _really _need to stop talking to myself."

The boy lifted the binoculars back up, eyebrows furrowed. He couldn't see what he was looking for. He checked all the other windows, and could see nothing. No movement whatsoever.

"... Urg... Where _is_ he?" The boy huffed, annoyed. He looked around, as if making sure no one was watching him, stood up and sighed. He guessed he'd just have to check tomor-

The gnomes on the lawn jerked around to face him, causing the boy jump up and squeal. He covered his face to protect himself instead of doing what a normal person would do in that situation which is running screaming into their house and curling up into a ball under their bedsheets for around two hours. Instead, he prepared himself for instant pain he was sure would travel through his body. He opened his eyes to see...

The gnomes were just staring at him, their eyes following his movements. The boy was confused. Why aren't they shooting lasers at him? Why aren't they trying to grab him by the arms and throw him away from their master's base?

The boy sighed. This was too unusual for him, and he was used to unusual stuff; this just cut the cake.

"I better get some tools to investigate. If his robot gnomes are broken, I can dismantle one and maybe... Use them against him!" The boy looked at his new experiment for a moment, then realized something. He growled and whispered. "... And my tools are at_ home_."

He turned around to get his supplies, and he came face to face with one of the most horrifying beings that existed on the planet Earth. It looked at him dead in the eyes with coldness and hatred. It's dark purple hair waved slightly in the soft wind, and the machine in it's hand beeped with an intimidating tone. The boy screamed at the top of his lungs, receiving stares from everyone within earshot; that being, everyone within a 100 meter radius.

_It was his sister._

She looked up from her game and at him for a millisecond in annoyance before returning to her brand new Game Slave 3.

"Stop yelling, Dib. I'm right here." She said, pressing buttons faster than the boy, Dib, had ever seen before. "We have to go."

Dib immediately rejected that idea and started babbling about aliens and big-foots and chewbacabras; generally all the things his sibling didn't want to hear.

"But Gaz! Zim hasn't been at Skool for _three days_! That alien MUST be up to something! And It's my job as Earth's sole defender to stop him!" Dib explained, not bothering to hide his hatred toward the inhabitant of the green house. "He might have another human subject; remember Nick! Or-or maybe he's making an evil weapon of... evil! He might- AUGH!"

The paranormalist screamed and fell to the ground in a heap. His hand instinctively held his cheek in pain.

"Let's go." Gaz quickly wiped off her hand and continued her game single-handedly. She grabbed her brothers foot with her free hand and began dragging him. He slid along the sidewalk with ease, which was uncalled for, because his head looked heavy enough to make ditches in it.

"WHY'D YOU SLAP ME!" Dib yelled, louder than he intended to. He quickly quieted down at his sister's glare. He learned something important about life; don't make Gaz angry, and you'll have a long and happy one.

"Dad said he has a surprise for us. He told me to come and get you." Gaz said, as if it was completely obvious. It wasn't obvious. Dib's mouth went slack.

"Dad? _He's home_!" He gasped, eyes open wider than his head; which means really big. He tried to squirm out of is sisters grip, but it was impossible. "But-but he's _never _home! What does he want? This is about the vampire cow in the basement,_ isn't it_! It was an accident! The vampire bat and the cow were _attracted_ to each other! I couldn't control that!"

"_Shut up, Dib!" _She hissed with disgust, not looking up from her GS3. "I'm about to beat the final boss level!"

Neather of the children noticed an owl with bright white wings fly towards the alien's house.


	2. Intruder Alert

There is a house placed in the middle of two others.

Not a big surprise, of course, but this house contains something that no sane being could comprehend.

For this house is really the base of an alien.

«»«»«»«»«»«»«»«»«»«»«»«»«»«»«»

A low growl of frustration rattled through metal walls. The voice echoed throughout the passage, sounding from a small, green-skinned alien's throat. He pulled on his antennae in anger.

Marching over to a damaged spacecraft, the alien's black, knee-high boots tapped quietly against the floor. He raised a dark gloved hand and proceeded to pierce a slab of metal into the ships exterior. It spurted black goo onto his black pants and long pink shirt, almost completely hiding the shirts horizontal black lines.

The alien roared.

"I can't _believe _you trashed the Voot-Cruiser _again_, GIR!" He hissed towards the blue and silver robot sitting just a few steps away. The alien wiped off the goo on his being with his three fingered hands and stepped away from the ship. "This is very valuable Irken technology!"

"I believe it, yep!" GIR squealed, not really knowing what he agreed to, nor did he notice his masters anger. He clutched a small rubber pig in his hands. "Woo, and the piggy saw me!"

The Irken's PAK legs unfolded from the PAK on his back and he towerd over his giggling minion, his crimson eyes glaring into the robot's cobalt ones.

The alien said nothing. He was used to his minions antics, but no matter how many times he heard the familiar cry about tacos or squeal about angry monkeys, it always got on his nerves. If he asked GIR to help with something, the robot either ignored the order or made the situation worse.

"Well, he's a special unit." The alien would say. His leaders gave it to him themselves, even stating that GIR is a very advanced piece of equipment. The Almighty Tallest wouldn't lie to him.

He'd just have to deal with the robot until his mission is fulfilled.

"GIR..." The alien whispered, retracting his PAK legs and standing on his own two feet. For once he got the robots undivided attention. GIR's eyes turned from bright blue to cold red, along with his shoulders and chest.

"Yes, sir?" He threw his pig toy to the ground and gave a quick salute before standing silent and still.

"I need you to go get me an Earth Wrench. Apparently, that tool is good at fixing broken objects," The alien said, looking towards the Voot-Cruiser. He clenched his hands into fists. "... Unfortunately, after that 'Potato Factory' incident, I have to resort to getting help from the humans _inferior _technology!"

"Yes, my Lord!" GIR replied. Only a few seconds after that remark, the robot's eyes returned to their normal azure tone. "Can I eats some Jelleh Samiches!"

The alien gave an uncertain nod. GIR hugged his rubber toy one last time before running to the elevator, laughing away.

Once his minion was out of sight, the alien grunted.

Before he could do anything further, and alarm blared throughout the base. The alien shrieked and held his head. It was too loud. The sound seemed to get louder with each passing second. The Irken pulled on his antennae.

A large screen with large words printed across it slid down from the endless chasm of rooms and chambers. The words glowed in the bases abnormal darkness. The alien opened one eye and looked up at the computer, shivering slightly.

"Intruder!" He read, regaining his composure and standing up straight. Not in _his_ base!

"Warning! Warning!" A voice bellowed from the computer speakers. "Intruder detected in front of the base!"

The alien bared his teeth.

"That's _all_! You sounded the emergency alarm for a simple human _girl scout_!" He hollered, furious. All of a sudden, his anger died down and he waved his hand in dissmissal. "Whatever. Bring the intruder up on the main screen!"

Many beeps and hums sounded from the computer. The alien's antennae twitched in impatientce. Finally, after what seemed like hours to the little Irken, the computer screen showed the front yard. Standing behind some bushes was the one human that the alien hated with every fibre of his being.

"Dib." The alien growled through clenched teeth.

"Zim... I mean, Master, you told me to inform you when a human stepped close to the base." The computer spoke in it's signature low and bored tone.

Just when Zim was about to object, the human, Dib, began to speak;

"Now, let's see what our little alien friend is up to today, hm?"

Zim raged.

"Little? _Little! _I'll inform you, _big-head_...," The alien barked at the screen, even though Dib couldn't hear him. "...That your head is _bigger_ than the rest of your body!"

Zim immediately realized the error in his comeback and mentally slapped himself.

The human didn't respond to Zim's outburst. Dib only whispered something to himself; something the sensors couldn't pick up, and then spoke up again.

"...Urg... Where _is _he?" Dib sighed.

Zim was confused. If he's not at Skool, he's at his base. That's how it's always been, right?

... It's bad that the Dib knows that.

"... Dib-filth should really stop talking to himself." Zim muttered to no one in particular.

The alien decided he had enough of the big headed child.

"The human is on the move." The computer stated. It was right. Dib was indeed standing.

"Computer, fire the lasers!" Zim ordered. He wasn't going to let the human leave without a scratch.

"Affermative." The computer hummed as the gnomes blueprints appeared on screen, their eyes glowing. Zim leaned back and waited. He would enjoy watching the Dib-worm scream in pain.

The gnomes on the lawn turned towards the boy. Dib jumped in surprise. Zim smiled. He enjoyed watching humans cower in fear. It makes the alien feel powerful. Even more powerful, actually. After all, he is one of the most respected of all the other invaders.

According to him, at least.

"Lasers charging..." The computer buzzed.

Zim smirked. Maybe the laser will make the Dib go blind. Then he won't have to deal with the humans constant interference every single second of every single Earth day.

"Charging..."

He would enjoy this... No more Dib! No more Dib to mess up his plans to conquer this _filthy mud ball_!

"_Charging_..."

Well, that's enough of that.

"FIRE!" The alien screeched. He watched the screen intently, listening for the Dib's scream of pain.

Zim waited for around twenty seconds, a great feat for such an impatient alien, before realizing that something wasn't quite right.

Just then, GIR returned, falling through the roof with the requested wrench. His mouth was smothered with orange and red jelly. He got up and ran to his master, letting the food drop off his face and onto the floor. Once arriving in front of Zim, GIR licked if off his face and claws.

"I gots ya... the toy ya... wanted!" The robot spoke between slurps. Zim shuddered in disgust. Such _filth_...

The Irken, hesitantly, snatched the wrench from his minion's slimy hands. Zim gagged slightly. So _revolting_! Just then, he remembered the subject at hand. The bad subject.

The bad subject not firing Dib into oblivion.

"GIR!" Zim accused. He just _knew_ that this was the robot's fault. It's not like this would be this first time the robot meddled with the defences. "What did you do to the gnomes? Why aren't they working!"

GIR smiled a little cockily before answering.

"They said they was hungry! I shared my samiches with them!" The robot explained, extremely proud of his actions. "They gave some to the squirrels, too!"

"What!" Zim shouted. He couldn't hear Dib talking, as he wasn't paying attention. He stared at his minion, exasperated. How on _Irk_ could the robot ruin _everything he touched_?

The alien looked at the gnomes on the screen. They were following the Dib-human's movements. They still seemed to be functioning properly, if you don't including the sandwich covered lasers.

Immediately after that thought, Zim heard a scream.

A long one, at that.

The alien's eyes darted back to the computer screen, and he saw the Dib-smell flailing at something out of the security camera's range of sight. Zim tried to adjust the setting to see what made the human so fearful, but it was futile.

Finally, the screaming stopped, and another all-to-familiar voice sounded through the computers speakers;

"Stop yelling, Dib. I'm right here."

"It's the Dib-sister!" Zim screeched. As much as he hated to admit weakness, he new that the Dib had a perfectly good reason to be afraid. That human female is a _monster_.

"We have to go." Dib's sister finished. As soon as she said that, Dib jumped backwards.

"But Gaz," The human complained, trying to explain himself. "Zim hasn't been at Skool for _three days_! That alien MUST be up to something! And it's my job as Earth's sole defender to stop him!"

Dib's sister, Gaz, tried to concentrate on her game. She growled as her stupid brother continued to whine about a stupid alien in a stupid green house. She raised her hand in the air. Dib didn't notice, and he continued on talking.

"...He might have another human subject; remember Nick! Or-or maybe he's making an evil weapon of..." The boy paused, then quickly continued when he found the right adjective "...evil! He might-"

The boy's sentence was cut short when a strong, cold hand collided with his face. He flew to the ground with a small squeal. He cupped his cheek with his hand, his eye's tearing up against his will at the pain. He looked up at his sister in shock.

Zim laughed harder than he ever had before, _his_ eyes tearing up at the_ hilarity _of the sibling's quarell.

There was a small silence between the two humans before the female grabbed the boy's foot and dragged him across the pavement. Zim chuckled again, this time with GIR joining in, although the robot had no idea what he was laughing at.

Dib stared at Gaz in disbelief for a few moments before asking the most obvious question someone would ask in his siduation;

"WHY'D YOU SLAP ME!" He screeched. Gaz turned around in a blur, her eyes opening up in annoyance. Dib whimpered quietly. He didn't mean to yell. It's almost like yelling at death in it's face, all while it's holding you over a volcano full of lava dwelling sharks with smaller sharks as their teeth.

"Dad said he has a surprise for us. He told me to come and get you." Gaz grunted, the tone in her voice screaming 'don't ruin this for me'. She turned back around and continued to walk on the path. Dib's eyes almost popped out of their sockets.

"Dad! _He's home! _But-but he's _never_ home! What does he want?" Dib took a deep breath of air resembling a gasp, though he was really preparing to yell out a long drawn out escuse. "This is about the vampire cow in the basement, _isn't it_! It was an accident! The vampire bat and the cow were _attracted_ to each other! I could't control that!"

Zim stopped laughing for a moment. Vampire cow? That may be a good asset for the invasion. The alien watched as Dib tried to break free from his sisters death hold on his foot. Gaz didn't even turn around to scold her brother. She decided playing her game and silencing her brother at the same time was a better idea.

"_Shut up, Dib!_" Gaz hissed in adgitation. She pressed the buttons on her Game Slave faster and faster as she talked. "I'm about to beat the final boss level!"

Zim watched as the two humans continued speaking back and forth to each other as they walked, and were dragged, out of the camera's hearing range. GIR, on the other hand, was still laughing. Zim turned to the little robot.

"GIR-" The alien started, but didn't get a chance to finish as the computer's alarm blared once again. Zim only flinched, then spun to face the screen again. The words spelt 'INDRUDER' in huge, bold letters. It began to speak.

"Intruder! Intru-"

"SHUT THAT THING _OFF_!"

The computer did as instructed, and, unfontunatly, a little bit more. Each machine in the house slowed down to a stop and the bases interior went silent and dark.

The computer had shut itself down.

Though he couldn't be seen, Zim's cry of rage ringing throughout the building was enough to reveal how angry the little Irken had become.

"_NOT YOU_!"

As soon as the alien yelled those words in the most incencere manner he could muster, the base sprang back to life, as if it had never shut down in the first place.

Zim rubbed his temples and sighed. After that rare moment of calm, the flames in his eyes began dancing.

"Bring up the intruder on the main screen!" The alien commanded, raising his fist in the air for emphasis. The computer did as instructed, showing something bright white darting around in the living room. Zim screamed.

"Woowee~ He's in the house!" GIR squealed. The little robot put his hands on the screen, trying to catch the snow coloured intruder. His tiny claws clinked each time they hit the screen, as GIR tried over and over again until he suscessfully tapped the creature. The minion jumped up in the air, hugging his masters head.

"GIR!" The Irken tried to pull GIR off, but the robot wouldn't budge. GIR had a tight grip on his masters antennea. "Let go! Get off!"

"I did it! Me! I caught the intruder!" GIR cheered, dropping down from Zim's head and running to tackle his thought-to-have-been-forgoten rubber pig. After one tight hug, the toy's head popped off. GIR started to cry, then brought out thirty more pigs from his head.

Zim was about to scold the robot's behavior when the computer spoke again.

"The Intruder has found the elevator and is traveling down it at an increasingly fast speed."

"What! _Impossible_!" The alien slammed his hands onto the computer's controls in frustration.

Just then, the indruder blasted through the elevator doors.

There was a scream.


	3. It's Spelled 'Skool'

Dib held his cheek with his left hand, the hand that wasn't swollen. His hair was dirty and hung out in all directions. His glasses were cracked and he had trouble walking on his injured ankle. He limped faster to catch up to his sister, but stayed a little ways behind, so he wouldn't draw out another punishment.

It was late, and the two siblings were walking home to see their father. He said he had something to tell them, and they knew it had something to do with the _amazing-ness that is science_. What else was the conversation going to be about? Their dad was a scientist, and that's all he really cared about.

"Gaz, there's just a teeny, tiny, itsy bitsy question I want to ask you," The paranormalist said, forcing an innocent smile before spitting out a tooth. Gaz stopped and turned around, crossing her arms and tapping her foot impatiently. Her brother could hear her grinding her teeth together. A bead of sweat rolled down Dib's face. He took a deep breath and spoke in a long stream of words:

_"I know you really love that game of yours but you have to realize it's not nearly as important as saving the-" _Dib took another deep breath_, "- _world from an evil alien who wants to distroy us all!"__

Gaz stared at her brother with an eyebrow raised. Dib chuckled nervously, backing away slightly. The silence was unbearable. A squirrel hopped between the two children, blinking up at Gaz before scampering to a tree. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity for Dib even though it was about 4 seconds, Gaz spoke.

"That didn't make any sense." She stated simply before turning around and walking again. She growled while replaying the fifth level on the Game Slave 3. "You got what you deserved anyway. You made me lose the last level and I had to restart the whole game."

Dib bit his tongue in an effort to not say 'It's just a game', for that would result in a broken nose.

For a few minutes the siblings walked in silence. When they reached a crosswalk Dib instinctively reached for Gaz's hand. She slapped the hand away with a huff and stomped across the road. Dib frowned slightly and looked to his left to see the cross guard hiding in a bush.

"...D-don't let her get m-me... Don't let her s-see me..." The guard stuttered, staring after Gaz. Dib walked backwards slowly, pupils small, then ran away from the guard who was still mumbling to himself. Dib look at his sister then back at the man.

"I don't even_ want _to know..." Dib whispered, shaking his head. Dib tripped on his own foot, but managed to stay standing. He winced and clenched his teeth. "_Oh, that gonna hurt in the mornin'_."

He look up to see Gaz hadn't stopped and was still walking. He watched as a she walked by a patch of flowers and they all died. Limping, Dib caught up with her.

"Gaz?" Dib started, pausing to wait for approval from his sister. Gaz grunted in acknowledgment, and Dib continued, "What do you think dad wants to talk about?"

"How should I know, _Dib_?" Gaz spat, turning up the volume on her game. Dib shuddered. His sister said his name with such _malice_. Really, it was just a _game_. Whenever Gaz completed it she just started over again anyway!

Dib snapped out of his thoughts when he bumped into his sister. Dib backed away quickly and raised his hands over his head for protection, closing his eyes. Gaz didn't even look at him and started walking to a door.

Dib opened one eye and looked around, realizing he was in front of his house. He rubbed his swollen wrist absentmindedly before running to the door.

Professor Membrane was sitting on a kitchen chair, and look over to the doorway when he saw his daughter walk inside, still playing her video game. She had a bruised knuckle which her father saw instantly.

"Gaz, what happened to your hand?" Membrane exclaimed, overly dramatic. Gaz looked down and inspected the injury. It didn't hurt. I was just purple. She shrugged.

"Dib made me lose my game." She said, plainly, as if it would sum up everything. Membrane nodded, looked around the kitchen, then back at Gaz. His daughter walked to a chair pushed away from the table and sat down, eyes still glued to her game. The only sound in the room was a soft beeping from the Game Slave 3.

"Where is your brother?" Professor Membrane asked, looking to the door, as if saying something would make him magically appear in front of him. "I asked you to go get him."

Gaz shrugged again. "I got him. He's standing outside, being stupid."

Right after she said that, Dib stumbled into the house, tripping on his own foot and wincing as he moved his injured ankle.

"Ah, son!" Membrane said cheerfully, not noticing Dib's condition at all. Dib looked over to his dad and forced a small smile. He closed the door behind him and his eyes widened.

"Dad!" Dib yelled, wiping around to face his father. "It wasn't my fault! The vampire bat fell in love with the cow! And then they had little mutant vampire cow babies before I could do anything!"

His father brushed the outburst off as an insanity moment and continued. "Sit down. There's something I want to talk to you two about."

Dib nodded and sat in an empty chair at table. He shifted in the seat so it wouldn't bug his bruises. Gaz got up and went to the fridge to get a soda before sitting back down.

Both children looked towards their dad expectantly. Membrane was rarely ever home, so whenever he was, the siblings wanted to spend time with him. Gaz even put down her Game Slave 3, which was a big feat considering what she just did to her brother when he accidently made her lose a level.

A three members of the family sat silently for a few minutes. It was a silence they were used to, when someone didn't know how to start the conversation. This was always something really good or really bad, though only the children could tell the difference. Professor Membrane thought everything was good.

"I'm going away for a while." The scientist finally said, an unusual seriousness in his voice. Dib and Gaz nodded, the latter slightly angry. These trips were always long ones, and that meant they were going to miss the 'Family Dinner Night' they only got once a year. Dib, on the other hand, was happy to get more time to his paranormal studies.

"That means no paranormal nonsense in the house, son." Membrane continued. Dib visibly deflated, while Gaz smirked. She may finally have some quiet time to finish her game. "I'm going out of the country to do very important things because I'm a very important man, so I want you two to behave while I'm gone."

Contrary to popular belief, Professor Membrane cared about his children. To an extent. He made sure to spend some time with them every year or so, which was hard to do because he was a _very important man with very important things to do_. With one last glance at his children, Membrane stood up and headed for the door. Dib got up and walked towards him.

"Dad, where are you going?" Dib asked, wanting to know just incase there was something abnormal there. He could give his dad something to defend himself with.

"I'll be back in a month or two. Or three." Membrane said, completely ignoring the questions. Before closing the door behind him, he paused. "And, daughter, bury the puppy."

Gaz choked on her soda.

Without looking back, their father closed the door and the children heard a helicopter take off.

"Bye, dad." Dib whispered, frowning slightly. Gaz huffed at her brothers mood swings and moved to the couch. She turned her game back on and the sounds of vampire pigs being slaughtered by a man that looks like a scarecrow travelled throughout the house.

Dib stood there silently for a moment. He knew that his father didn't notice he was hurt. He never did. He could only 'detect if he was unhappy about something'.

Dib sighed and looked at the clock. It was almost midnight. With a yawn, Dib started walking up the stairs to his bedroom, the events of the day catching up with him.

"Good night, Gaz." Dib said, receiving a quiet grunt from his sister. He yawned again and walked into the bathroom to brush his teeth. Looking into the mirror, he saw his wounds. A purple bruise on his cheek and a black eye. Some of his clothes were ripped. The face on his shirt was frowning.

Dib unconsciously rubbed his wrist again while looking over himself. He was a mess. It was hard for him to believe his little sister could do this to someone. Gaz could probably do worse if she wanted to, which was what scared the paranormalist. _His little sister did this._

Dib yelped when he realized how hard he was squeezing his wrist. Shaking his head to clear his mind, he put his toothbrush away and walked to his room. Before closing the door, he took one last look at Gaz. She was still sitting on the couch. Dib closed the door.

Dib flopped onto his bed, not even bothering to change into pajamas. He took off his glasses and set them on the table next to his bed. He was too tired to do anything, so he just laid there and thought about the day.

His mind wander to Zim. The alien menace. His mortal enemy. Zim wants to destroy the world, and nobody believes the paranormalist, even though he was_ right _this time. When Dib catches Zim, he'll be a hero. People will respect him, people who called him insane and stupid and big headed,_ which he was not_.

"Zim, I know you're up to something, and I'll stop you." The paranormalist whispered, pulling the covers over his head and closing his eyes. "I'll stop you..."

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Zim ran behind the voot cruiser, gun in hand. Peering over the top of his ship, he shot laser after laser, but the intruder was too fast. Barely dodging the lasers, the intruder flew up to Zim and started playing with his antennae.

"GIR!" The Irken yelled to his minion. GIR was sitting on the computer controls, pressing random buttons and yelling 'Tickle tickle!'. The computer made noises that sounded like a mixture of static and laughter. Zim called for GIR again, finally getting a response.

"GIR, capture the intruder!" Zim growled after missing yet another shot at the being that somehow got into his 'flawless' defenses. GIR's eyes glowed red for a brief second before the robot jumped onto his masters face and covered the Irken's eyes.

"You can't see me!" GIR laughed. Zim tried to push his servant off his head, but GIR had a death grip on his antennae. The alien wouldn't admit it out loud, but the robot was hurting him.

"Let go!" Zim hissed, firing his gun at the intruder again, though he missed by a long shot and causing more damage to his base than the intruder. "GIR, how many times do I have to tell you to GET OFF MY HEAD!"

The robot blinked his cobalt optics at his master, looking at his reflection in Zim's eyes. GIR waved at himself before falling to the floor. Zim looked relieved for a second before pointing his gun at the intruder again. The said intruder perched itself on top of the voot cruiser. It had soft white feathers and it's eyes were wide open. The Irken looked to the computer, who had apparently calmed down.

"Computer, identify the intruder!" Zim barked. With a grunt, the computer scanned through earth's database and stopped once he reached the correct file. Zim tapped his foot in his usual impatience.

"File found. Intruder identified as a 'Snowy Owl'." The computer buzzed while beginning to read the information it found on the internet. "The Snowy Owl is a large owl that-"

"Yes yes, it's an _earth _bird, tell me_ why _it's in my_ secret base_!" Zim crossed his arms and pouted like a spoiled child.

"I'll try a different resource..." It said, beeping quietly before settling on another website. "A snowy owl is usually carried out by means of bluff, bald faced-"

"Lies, owls are birds!" Zim interrupted for a second time before going wide eyes and slowly turning around to face the intruder. "Or maybe that's what they _want_ you to think..."

The computer snorted. Suddenly, GIR grabbed Zim's gun and started firing it in all directions. Zim yelped when one skinned the side of his shirt, leaving a nice round hole. GIR giggled away.

"GIR, give me the gun!" Zim ordered, not expecting the robot to listen to him but trying anyway. GIR looked at his master for a minute before throwing the gun at the Irken. Zim was on the floor before he knew what was happening. The alien heard something brake behind him and he shakily stood up, mentally thanking his invader reflexes.

Turning around, Zim saw his laser gun, or rather, what was left of it. The gun was broken into approximatally twenty-eight pieces and would take about one or two earth days to fix.

Zim narrowed his eyes at his servant. How on Irk could the robot destroy_ everything he touched_? The robot didn't notice the glare he was receiving and started singing a song he made up on the spot. "Piggy piggy, gotta get some tacos! Watch cupcakes fly with the magical weenies!"

Growling a profanity in Irken, Zim grabbed the earth wrench GIR got him earlier and headed for the voot. Might as well get something done today.

A high pitched screech got Zim's undivided attention. The Irken looked up to see the owl that was still sitting on top of his ship. Zim completely forgot it was there. GIR sat in a corner in the other side of the room. He started cooing and flapping his arms around. Zim threw the wrench at him.

"GIR..." Zim whispered, closing his eyes and rubbing his temples. GIR didn't even look at him, or even acknowledge him. The Irken shook his head. Stupid, stupid advanced robot.

GIR started cackling. Zim turned around to see what his _evil _minion managed to destroy, but what the Irken saw made him look from GIR to the voot cruiser and back to the robot.

The owl was standing on GIR's head, poking at his antennae. GIR started cooing again, and the owl hooted back. Zim just stared at the scene in front of him.

The owl saw Zim looking at it and it flew over to the Irken. Zim's eyes widened before they tightly closed and he covered his head with his arms. The owl decided that Zim's left arm was the perfect place to land and perched himself on it.

Zim opened one eye, and after realizing that he was still in one piece he relaxed his position slightly. Then he looked to his left and screamed. A dirty earth bird. A dirty earth bird was _sitting on his arm. _

The owl flapped it's wings in irritation. It didn't like loud noises. Zim cringed again and tried to knock the bird off with his right hand, but the bird interpreted that as an invitation to rest on the other arm and waddled across to it. After deciding it was resonably comfortable on the Irken's leather gloves it held out a letter that was attached to it's leg.

Zim look at the owl for a moment before quickly snatching the letter. The owl flapped it's wings twice at the sudden movement before settling down again. Zim ignored the movement since he was focusing on the letter.

Zim looked over to GIR, who was being uncharacteristically quiet. The robot gave Zim a thumbs up while sticking his tongue out to the side. Hesitantly, Zim opened the letter, tossing the envelope behind him.

The letter has an odd symbol on it. It obviously wasn't a word, as he had a language translator in his PAK that would identify it.

Shrugging, Zim looked at the words he could understand. They were in earth's English. He could read some of it even without his PAK, that's how amazing he was.

_Hogwarts School_

_of Witchcraft and Wizardry_

Zim raises a nonexistent eyebrow and decided to point out all of the flaws in the letter.

"Have these humans the brain worms? I have heard of no skool for warty hogs!" Zim ranted to himself, not realizing no one was really listening to him. GIR was off in a corner playing with what was left of his thirty pig toys, the owl was starting to doze off, and the computer was doing some of it's own research on the internet. "Not to mention they spelled 'Skool' wrong!"

_Dear Mr. Zim,_

Zim didn't even comment on that one.

_We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry._

"Again with the wart-hogs? And it's 'Skool'!" Zim complained. "Newly born Irken smeets spell better than_ that_!"

_Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment._

After reading that Zim started looking for the envelope he carelessly tossed to the side. He looked at GIR and saw that the robot folded it up like a poorly constructed pirate hat and was wearing it on his head. Zim grabbed the envelope and shook it, but nothing came out. Zim shrugged and continued reading the letter.

_Term begins on September 1. We expect your owl by no later then July 31._

Zim growled at the owl on his arm. "This horrible, filthy earth beast is _not mine_."

_Yours sincerely,_

_Minerva McGonagol_

"'Miner McDonald' is not mine either." Zim continued. He was ready to throw the letter away before seeing a few more words at the bottom of the paper.

_Minerva McGonagol_

_Deputy Headmistress_

"You already wrote your name once, Miner-Human." Zim rolled his eyes before rereading the last word. "Head-mistress. What does a mistress have to do with heads?"

"A headmistress usually means a female principal." The computer explained. Zim muttered an 'I knew that' before asking the computer some questions.

"Computer, this horribly written letter says that I'm accepted into a skool of 'Witchcraft and Wizardry'." Zim said, finishing with a grammatically incorrect statement of; "Explain to Zim!"

"Witchcraft and Wizardry are generally terms of magic."

"And just what _is _this _'maj-ik'_?"

"Magic," The computer corrected, "Is a fictional power of entertainment. People who believe in magic are usually sent to the insane asylum."

In reality, the computer only found out magic was fake, and it made the rest of the description up.

"The Dib-worm must have sent this, pretending to be this 'McDonald'!" Zim growled. The owl woke up from the noise and flew over to the envelope the letter was in. It ripped it open and took out another piece of paper. The owl flew back to Zim and gave the paper to the alien.

Zim took the paper without hesitation, because the owl seemed to be no real threat, not that it was in the first place to the _almighty Invader Zim_. The Irken took the letter and read the list of things he needed to go to this imaginary skool.

None of the items made complete sense to Zim so he just threw the list away.

"This letter was not written by the Dib. The letter says magic is real." Zim stated as-a-matter-of-factly. Turning to the computer, he shouted his signature phrase. "YOU LIE!"

Zim crossed his arms over his chest. He needed information about magic, and the computer would probably lie to him again. Magic seems to be something the Dib would know about...

Zim shook his head. "No! Zim will not ask anything of the Dib worm except for him to destroy himself!"

After a few minutes of abnormal silence, Zim came up with a plan. He was going to go to skool tomorrow and_ force _the information out of Dib. He will not _ask_.

Zim laughed like a maniac. GIR joined in. Even the owl started hooting in an evil way. After a moment Zim started choking on his laugh and quieted down.

"Master!" GIR yelled, catching Zim attention. GIR ran up to the Irken and grabbed the owl off his arm and squeezed him in a hug. The owl hooted uncomfortably. "Can I keep him!"

Zim shrugged, forgetting about the part of the letter that said to return the owl. Maybe the filthy bird will distract GIR long enough for Zim to repair the voot. Finally, Zim nodded to GIR and the robot squealed.

"I'M GONNA CALL HIM LARY!" GIR shouted before running upstairs to watch the 'Angry Monkey' show with his new friend.

_**«»«»«»«»«»«»«»«»«»«»«»«»«»«»«»**_

There were letters everywhere, flying all around the house, and more were flying in every second. A boy with a lightning bolt shaped scar on his forehead grabbed one and leaped over a couch, dashing for his closet sized room.

"Give me that letter!" The boy's uncle cried, getting up from his seat to chase after the boy. Letters smacked the man in the face over and over again. The boy was quicker than his obese uncle and got to his room. While struggling to unlock the door, the boy's uncle grabbed him and tried to snatch the letter away.

"No! It's my letter!" The boy said, kicking his feet in an effort to get free. The letters were pelting his uncle fast and faster. That was the last straw for the man.

"That's it!" The man yelled at no one in particular. "We're going away! Far away!"

His wife and child only stared at him in horror.


End file.
